Sweet & Condensed: Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes
Scorecard, Worst film adaptations, The vamp movie we didn't know we needed
It's 11:30pm on a Thursday night in 2010. You and your friends are passing the time in a line with hundreds of other people. You occasionally make eye contact with another group and think to yourself "I bet you those dorks are Hufflepuff. I would totally pwn them in a duel."
As you continue to stare and whisper "expelliarmus" under your breath, you glance up at the red LED light above the auditorium door that reads "13: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1".
Those were the days; back when midnight premieres were a real thing.
But since most of us here are closer to being forty than we are twenty, we loved going to the 7pm showing for this week's movie 😮💨.
Here is what we have for you this week:
Concession Stand Scorecard: Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes
Temp These Takes: What books, plays, poems and other works should have never been made into a movie.
Watchlist Worthy: Vampires haven’t been this sexy since 2012.
This week’s movie - “Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes”
Letterboxd Description:
Several generations in the future following Caesar’s reign, apes are now the dominant species and live harmoniously while humans have been reduced to living in the shadows. As a new tyrannical ape leader builds his empire, one young ape undertakes a harrowing journey that will cause him to question all that he has known about the past and to make choices that will define a future for apes and humans alike.
Best Watched With
Multi-generations of fans–from the OG films, to Wahlberg’s installment and especially the previous three. Anyone who is a CGI doubter - watch them become believers.
End credit thought
We had our doubts heading into this movie. Did we really need another one? Can this franchise survive without Andy Serkis playing Cesar? We can now confidently say yes to both.
The central character, Noa (Owen Teague), picks up the mantel of performing as a CGI ape (which continues to be the Gorilla Glue that holds this franchise together) and somehow had us feeling downright human emotions.
With only one human on screen for most of the movie, the entire cast does a stellar job. There are a few key relational moments that are so genuine they nearly brought us to tears.
There is plenty of chest thumping, back breaking violence and tons of intense chase scenes. And, fifty-six years later, we still aren’t over seeing apes on horseback.
We were fully bought in to the re-imagining of the world post fall of humanity due to their heads getting too big. We weren’t spoon fed how this world operates, allowing us to participate in piecing things together and making it an engaging watch.
We thought a lot about what it means to be human, what parts of that are worth fighting to preserve, and which ones need to be abandoned in order to thrive.
It wouldn’t hurt to binge the three previous movies, but Kingdom stands on it’s own and would be enjoyable even if this your first dip into the Apes universe.
This movie gives us a lot more in form of depth and story than most big action movies (looking at Godzilla x Kong), but most of the fun is being immersed on a huge screen with the sound cranked up.
Go see this one on the big screen.
Worst film adaptations of all time.
Sarah - This is such a weird one because on the flip side of this, I would argue the Lord of the Rings movies are some of the best book to film adaptations of all time, which is why this disappointment was so great. The Hobbit movies - particularly movies 2 & 3 - are travesties. There are a few bright spots (i.e. Luke Evans as Bard), but Peter Jackson seemingly did his best to ruin the magic of The Hobbit. 😭
Eric - Worst film adaption (video game edition): Doom (2005) - a BAD movie that really hurt my soul. As a kid, playing Doom 3 scared the absolute dog water out of me. I remember the first night we played, a handful of us (my brother and the neighborhood fellas) were huddled around the computer playing in complete darkness in the garage. Core memory type stuff. SO when we eventually watched the movie, it was a major letdown. More sci-fi than horror to me. Does it deserve a rewatch? Maybe. Maybe not. Too soon to tell.
Josh - The Fault In Our Stars (2014). Not because it’s bad, but because it ripped my heart out, and those feelings were the worst. How dare they do this shit to us. But if anything is bad about this adaptation, it’s that they casted the brother and sister from Divergent (2014) as the teenagers who meet at a cancer support group and fall in love.
Also The Hobbit trilogy. How did the visuals get worse, and why 3 movies?!
New Mexico Drew - Les Misérables (2012) is the perfect title because I was MISERABLE watching this movie. Specifically, having to endure the singing of Anne Hathaway, Hugh Jackman, (and I honestly can’t say who is worse) Russell Crowe and Eddie Redmayne (tell me that dude doesn’t sound like Kermit the Frog!?). I felt like I needed to listen to six hours of ambient didgeridoo to cleanse my ears from that mess.
What’s your take? Hit Reply or leave a comment below and let us know!
Flesh of the Gods (2024) directed by Panos Cosmatos
A vampire movie not set in Forks and starring Kristen Stewart sounds wrong. But a movie not set in Forks, starring Kristen Stewart and Oscar Isaac, joined together in vampiric (un)holy matrimony, feels so damn right.
So far, the only casting we know is Stewart and Isaac, but do we honestly need to know anything else? If you can’t fully put your trust in this dynamic duo, you sure as hell can put it in the hands of producers Adam McKay and Betsy Koch. McKay is no novice in the world of producing with credits such as the award winning tv series Succession and the movies Don’t Look Up (2021), Hustlers (2019), and The Other Guys (2010). And this isn’t Koch and McKay’s first time rodeo-ing together—they both worked as producers on Mark Mylod’s comedy/thriller The Menu (2022).
Panos Cosmatos only has a few directorial credits under his belt, but this team is set up to do some damage in the best of ways.
Letterboxd Description:
Married couple Raoul and Alex descend each evening from their luxury skyscraper condo to venture into the electric nighttime realm of 1980s Los Angeles. When they cross paths with a mysterious and enigmatic woman known only as Nameless, she and her hard-partying cabal initiate Raoul and Alex into a glamorous, surrealistic world of hedonism, thrills and violence.
Other movies directed by Panos Cosmatos:
The Viewing (2022)
Mandy (2018)
Three Milk Media Podcasts:
🎙️ Living A Stream: Apple Podcasts and Spotify
🎙️ The Medium Project: Apple Podcasts and Spotify
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Yes yes yes to it all. Even my husbands hot take on two of my fave people. Bring on the sexiest vampires I didn’t know I needed.